I recently was reading old messages between me and some of my friends, I was kind of shocked at myself. It was like I was reading another person’s words not mine… some stranger’s. In the messages I was so angry and bitter and at times hateful toward the people who had wronged me… I was so very sad, I guess having your heart broken will do that to you…
It just reminded me of how I used to be in a very dark place. I felt so hurt and alone… I had my walls up all around me, trying to hide my brokenness, but it was just to much to contain inside of me and it often leaked out. My walls had a giant “KEEP OUT” sign nailed to it…. I would push people away… I didn’t want to risk being hurt all over again.
Some very amazing people in my life refused to just “leave me alone” like I told them to. My amazing cousin Leacy Maria, who is like a sister to me, my wonderful Mom, and God.. the only Father I have ever really had. They believed in me, even though I didn’t, they showed me there was still hope, when I couldn’t see it.
I remember crying myself to sleep many nights. One night I had been crying out in my sleep, I woke up and found my mom siting next to me holding me, silently stroking my head, while I feel back asleep. She was there for me, she was my best friend. Even though I often pushed her away.
In one of the messages I wrote to my friend, I was so angry at someone who had hurt me… I was bitter. I wished that they would feel all the pain they had caused me… I wished they would cry just as many tears as I had. The truth is I missed them but was still hurt and didn’t want to have anything to do with this person. I look back at how I felt then and feel horrible… awful. I should never have wished that kind of pain on someone else. It was awful of me to say such things. I don’t think I ever truly meant it, at least not completely. I was saying it out of anger. I actually hope only the best for that person. I really do. They deserve happiness.
In all of that pain, heart ache, and darkness I learned that if it’s possible for one person to be hurt by another, then it’s possible for that person to be healed by another. (that is totally a fruits basket quote!) I was broken then… my heart was crushed… it really did feel that way… the pain was so great that I could barely breathe at times… but one day I woke up. I realized no one would be able to help me if I wouldn’t help myself. I couldn’t just wait for some knight and shining armor to come and sweep me off my feet. I was gonna have to pick myself up and start taking steps forward and not look back.
And so I did. I occasionally would make the mistake of looking back and what I saw would make my heart sore but I then looked away and continued on my journey. And that’s when I found that I had people all around me that had loved me all along. I wasn’t as alone as I had thought I was, and it wasn’t long after all this that I met the wonderful knight in shining armor I am married to now.
So here I am today. A much happier, less angry, and not so bitter me. I am changed, I am a different person. The old me is indeed a stranger… and I plan on keeping it that way. I know now what true lasting love is:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance….. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.